For the living love of God would you 'bags please stop e-mailing Aerial Telly to ask how much he won on the final night of Big Brother? How can you ask such a thing? Don't you know he'd rather tap dance barefoot on broken glass then reveal his spectacular gambling successes? What would make you can it? What would force the closure of your oral flycatcher? Would perhaps a screen shot of Aerial Telly's position at the final suspension of the market suffice? Might your seeing photographic proof of his stunning £2,800 victory that he resolutely refuses to talk about allow the boy to get on with his review?

Big Brother 2008 final

The Shield Season 7 Premiere

FX

"Cunnilingus and psychiatry have brought us to this" was Tony Soprano's memorable précis of The Sopranos first season. Right now I feel that when everything goes to shit in The Shield (as it inevitably must) the photo of David Aceveda's mouth rape at gunpoint and Shane getting into bed with the Armenian mob will be the twin catalysts. Yes, fellatio and Armenians have brought us to this: the 7th and final season of The Shield, FX's brutal, brilliant and insanely addictive wander through Los Angeles gangland. The Shield Season 7 Premiere

Prison Break Season 4 Premiere

FOX

Decapitation can put a strain on any relationship, never mind one perpetually under siege from a shadowy transnational cabal known as The Company bent on your death and the domination of, well, everything. But this is Prison Break and if you thought finding his girlfriend's severed head in a box was going to affect his relationship with Dr. Sara Tancredi then you don't know Michael Scofield. Because yes, Sara is still alive. That whole head-in-a-box thing was a big hoax - she actually escaped from Gretchen and they faked the whole thing. And when Michael tracks Gretchen and Whistler to Los Angeles they are trying to obtain a spectacularly important data card called Scylla containing all kinds of Company secret business. With me so far? Prison Break Season 4 Premiere

The Hard Sell - University of Northampton

The Guardian

Having attended a former polytechnic Aerial Telly finds their adverts a constant source of joy. Naturally, they don't reveal how such institutions are used as a place for the middle classes to dump their thick kids or how authentic proletarian geniuses like Aerial Telly are frighteningly thin on the ground. No, they prefer to indulge in Kaiser Chiefs backed flimflam. Aerial Telly is uniquely qualified to comment on this and he was very happy to do so. The Hard Sell - University of Northampton

There will only ever be one Reggie

The Guardian

The BBC are bringing back The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin. This stirs strong feelings in Aerial Telly as the original is one of his all-time favourite shows. He puts a dampener on the enthusiasm here and almost certainly dooms the show to failure. Nothing succeeds in television without Aerial Telly's express permission. Sorry, Martin Clunes. Your career is now over. Off you trot. There will only ever be one Reggie

Mutual Friends

BBC1

Imagine it. It is December 2001. You are Spencer McCallum, Keeley Hawes's newly acquired husband. You couldn't be happier. The girl you love more than anything in the whole world has just pledged her troth to you in front of God and an invited audience of cocksmokers. You plan a blissful life together: you, your precious princess and your child. Christmas is coming. The muscles behind your ears hurt from grinning. You've had too much champagne. You've been on your feet all day and your ankle tendons are aching, but you don't care. This is the happiest day of your life. Soon, your wife will join you in your hotel room and blow you non-stop for three hours like the filthy little cocksucking minx you always prayed she was. Yet just eight weeks from now she will leave you for her Spooks co-star Matthew Macfadyen, rip your heart out of your chest, poke holes in it with her stilettos and then laugh as her new lover puts his cock into your still warm aortic valve and fucks the shit out of it. She will go on to fame and fortune, happily hacking her way through shows like Ashes to Ashes.The homewrecking sociopath has eaten your soul. You will never trust another woman again. Mutual Friends

X Factor 2008 - sob stories bring misery to millions

ITV

The return of X Factor should always be welcomed. It's a great format that produces laughter, tears and distress to the innocent. I really don't know what they're doing incorporating the pretty but pretty useless presence of Cheryl Cole. Dannii Minogue already fills that role and while Cole is prettier and even dumber it's given the panel an imbalanced feel. They'd love a girl band to win this year, that much is clear and maybe co-opting the best-looking member of Girls Aloud is some kind of totem towards that end? Whatever. The real story of the early rounds of X Factor 2008 is the increasingly dreary and dubious sob stories that are clogging up the audition stages. X Factor 2008

The Hard Sell: Orangina

The Guardian

More and more people have been talking about the current Orangina advert. It is very strange indeed. Aerial Telly's take on it is that they need to stop this nonsense and get on some other shit. Expect further exemplary dissections of television advertising to follow shortly. The Hard Sell: Orangina

Roseanne Barr joins in the attack on the big veiny cock arms

Butt out, fatty. Aerial Telly is more than capable of fighting his own battles

When you're a visionary, leader of men, iconoclast, impresario, thought moulder, opinion shaper like Aerial Telly you become accustomed to a few things. One of those "things" is people taking one of your thoughts or deeds and running with it in a totally inappropriate direction. A highly representative and highly annoying example of this occurred this week with gigantic tub of guts Roseanne Barr launching an unprovoked and savage attack on Napoleon Boneypie and her fruity husband. In the deeply weird rant she condemns the pair as evil for making "violent, psychopathic" movies and only giving a few million here or there to charity. This is clearly inspired by Aerial Telly's longstanding heartfelt and compassionate concern for Brad Pitt and it couldn't be more misplaced. Roseanne Barr joins in the attack on the big veiny cock arms

Steve McClaren - cock juggling thundercunt who needs to be showered with mares' piss every time he opens his cunt mouth

End this nonsense now

When toothsome promoted-over-his-head company man shitheel Steve McClaren trudged off the Wembley pitch in November after England's infinitely wanky failure to qualify for the European Championships, his sole consolation was that the humiliation was over. Yes he was now the worst England manager in history, derided nationwide and whatever tiny portion of respect that existed for him in the game was obliterated but now he could quietly go about his business unmolested. In the pre-Internet age, maybe, but McClaren is now viral clown prince of YouTube thanks to an interview he gave to Dutch TV about his new side Twente drawing Arsenal in the Champions’ League. Steve McClaren - cock juggling thundercunt

Which is the greatest: Dragons' Den or The Apprentice?

The Guardian

Aerial Telly is a fan of both Dragons' Den and The Apprentice so he was the natural choice to speak on Theo Fatfoetus firing shots across The Apprentice's bow and conduct the definitive comparison of the two shows. Which is the greatest: Dragons' Den or The Apprentice?

Richard and Judy: a great loss to terrestrial telly

The Guardian

This week sees the final weekly run of Richard and Judy's Channel 4 show before they depart to planet digital. Aerial Telly has made his feelings on these two clear in the past and he took his opportunity to do so again. Richard and Judy: a great loss to terrestrial telly

Who should get Wogan's Eurovision job?

The Guardian

It's understandable, perhaps even necessary, that Aerial Telly will get typecast as the world's greatest gambler, the solar system's most prolific poonhound, the universe's finest writer, the greatest boxer never to turn pro -- whatever. The point is he doesn't like to be identified by one particular form of brilliance. Aerial Telly is an aggregate of greatness. The whole is even greater than the sum of its parts. Anyway, Terry Wogan is identified as the voice of Eurovision and his departure will mean a vacancy needs to be filled. And by whom is the question Aerial Telly was man enough to tackle. Who should get Wogan's Eurovision job?

Generation Kill

HBO

When you've redefined television and made what many consider the greatest TV show ever made your next step will be a tricky one. But Ed Burns and David Simon have taken on Generation Kill the adaptation of Evan Wright's award-winning book recounting his experiences as an embedded reporter in Bravo Company of the 1st Reconnaissance Battalion in the early stages of the Gulf War. It ain't World War II, it ain't Korea, it ain't even Vietnam, brother. A generation desensitised to violence, raised on South Park, video games and gangster rap. This is the New Model Army. This is Generation Kill. Generation Kill

The Hard Sell: BBC Olympics

The Guardian

Yes, the Beijing Olympics are here and it is hard to conceive of anything with less value. China has taken a break from beheading Tibetan monks to put on a showstopping opening ceremony which left everybody saying "London 2012 is going to look like shit compared to this". Anyway, Aerial Telly has been kicking it on the subject with specific regard to the BBC's animated trailer for their Olympics coverage. The Hard Sell: BBC Olympics

Tough times for Howard of Halifax

The Guardian

Aerial Telly seems to be writing about adverts a lot these days. This is absolutely no problem for him as he is well versed in the compliance arts and the ways of persuasion scumbags. The news that the Halifax are dropping Howard Brown from their commercials prompted him to write a thing about how they get down. Tough times for Howard of Halifax

Weeds Season 4

Showtime

Aerial Telly has stated several times that there is no recorded instance of a sexually attractive woman over the age of 40. Mary-Louise Parker (44) has gone some way to proving him "wrong"¹ because this curly haired slender portion of pie would get fucked from now 'til Brigadoon if she ever stepped through the doors of Aerial Telly's bachelor pad. The makers of Weeds understand this and they have had Nancy Botwin in the sluttiest outfits of the show's run, being spanked in the back of a limousine and fucked senseless by a Mexican politician cum drug trafficker. This is before we even mention her 12-year-old son masturbating over nude photos of her taken by his dead father. This last scene caused something of an outcry but, be honest, if Mary-Louise Pierker was your mother you'd be doing the same. Weeds Season 4

Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

The Internet

Very few people get Aerial Telly's respect like Joss Whedon. Cutting his teeth as a writer on Roseanne his auteurial adventures in television gave the world Buffy, Angel and Firefly - in short, some of the finest TV ever made. He creates compelling believable worlds peopled by memorable conflicted characters. He deals with big themes brilliantly and never sells his characters out. He writes with integrity and never shirks tough decisions. He's very, very funny. So Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog just has to be a triumph, right? You damn fucking right it does. Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog...

Love your work, Cilla

The Guardian

Aerial Telly is one of the foremost dating experts operating today. He's very much on the down low with this and has to be practically dragged into the public arena to talk about it. It's part of his quiet, classy persona to not bring it up. Nevertheless he will quite readily lend his hand and considerable intellect to the body of "knowledge" about the dating show genre, all that it is and all it represents. Love your work, Cilla

Rooney advertising Hovis? Use your loaf

The Guardian

In what Aerial Telly regards as an eccentric move, Hovis have co-opted Wayne Rooney to be the new face of their breadloaves. Here, he questions the wisdom of this move and establishes himself as an authority on advertising, branding and the science of influence. Rooney advertising Hovis? Use your loaf

Groupie of the week: Simon Gould

Shithead takes on Aerial Telly and pays the ultimate price

Among Aerial Telly's large fanbase is a masochistic element. Harbouring sexual fantasies, they become angry when their twisted dreams are not realised and they start to turn on their master in the hope of a vicious thrashing. Like deluded shit sack Simon Gould who writes this evening.

2008/8/3 simon gould <sg003q3633@blueyonder.co.uk>

Subject: Kevin Bishop Show

I've read your review.

I thought his impressions were very accurate.

What pissed me off was that it was like swopping channels, I know he meant this BUT I don't want to watch swopping channels very few seconds for 30 fuckin minutes.

Anyway, I think Arial Telly has a micro penis and that's why he's so aggressive.

Regards micro man,

Simon

Aerial Telly responds

Simon, you fucking moron, you've written to me before like the groupie bitch you are saying how I "convinced" you to bet against Oscar de la Hoya. But being a painfully thick cunt you spelt it "de la Hoyer". This display of fanlust shows you are a beta male easily led by alpha males like Aerial Telly, desperate for their approval.

Groupie of the week: Simon Gould continues...

The Kevin Bishop Show

Channel 4

The Kevin Bishop Show is very poor and there are two key reasons for this. The ultrashort length of the sketches exposes the pisspoor premises ruthlessly. There's no hiding behind sharp one-liners or snappy impressions (not that this dick can do either of those - his leaden-footed humour and jawdroppingly poor impressions seeing to that). Secondly, Kevin Bishop naturally inclines towards comedy thuggery. He has an unerring eye for the lowest common denominator and, when pressed for a punchline, will choose the cheap shot, the base humour or schoolboy pun every time. Suggest nuance, subtlety or cleverness and Kev is all "talk to the butt".. The Kevin Bishop Show

E-Mail of the week

Power to the "people"

Often, Aerial Telly will receive an e-mail that does not specifically reference him, his website or indeed anything of any relevance to anyone. Maybe Peter Sullivan was browsing one of Aerial Telly's definitive dissections of pornography that he does from time to time? We may never know. Or care.

Subject: adult entertainment.

Psully100680@aol.com

dear sir/ madam

please can you tell me how to enter the world of adult entertainment.

many thanks peter sullivan

Aerial Telly responds:

I've heard sucking cock is a good way in, so I'd start there if I were you. That way if you don't make it you can always use the skill to move into public relations

Best regards

Aerial Telly

I really think I've had it with you "people".More Mailbag

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