Ah, you wouldn't want to be a Lost recapper, fella. 'Tis a thankless task. Even when you remember things correctly they won't necessarily make any sense. Even when they make sense they are subject to change, compromise, alteration or obliteration. Only Battlestar Galactica matches it for fake-outs, U-turns and general loopiness and Lost is about to go the same way as the sci-fi franchise as this is the sixth and final season. The events that have propelled us here are ludicrously complex and could hardly be distilled into a mere 10 minutes but it's been the kind of ride you go on in a secret level of Grand Theft Auto - illegal, addictive, sulphate fuelled, life affirming, distressing - loose ends, dead strippers and screaming pedestrians litter the landscape. It's what TV was made for. Lost Season 6 Premiere

Mesrine

Jean-François Richet

If you're going to watch a four-hour two-part biopic of a French scrote you've never heard of, he'd better have lived a hell of a life. Happily, Jacques Mesrine's rampage through the French underworld qualifies and Richet's films actually do well to fit in the sheer volume of crazy bastard things he did and do justice to the depth of his delusion, the breadth of his audacity and the scale of his genius. The story often seems to strain credulity but the majority of the plot is documented fact. This is a man who lived his life like he was in a movie. I thank Christ the movie wasn't Clubbed. Mesrine

The Persuasionists

BBC2

You want to know the really terrifying thing about The Persuasionists? They knew. Every one of them. Daisy Haggard did Psychoville, Green Wing and Man Stroke Woman. Adam Buxton - he did The Adam and Joe show. He's funny. Simon Farnaby worked with Chris Morris. Iain Lee, um, introduced Sacha Baron Cohen. Co -producers Iain Morris and Damon Beesley wrote The Inbetweeners. And, ignoring his joyless, pious Twitter feed, script editor Andrew Collins is a really good writer. They know the difference. Can you imagine them waiting for this to go public? The shame, the fear, the self-loathing? Dragging this career time bomb along with them for all those months? And you think the Haiti footage is harrowing? The Persuasionists

Celebrity Big Brother 2010 - Vinnie Jones can drink mare's piss

Solicitor? Get tae fuck

Bullyboy thug, man-of-the-people shitbird fraud, nose biting suicide contemplating one trick pit pony Vinnie Jones spent the first two weeks of Celebrity Big Brother being the surly, menacing, unpleasant twunt you always knew he would be - picking on poor old Alex Reid's insecurities, giving it the wise man of Hollywood bit and using the kitchen as his own personal fiefdom. This, combined with his homespun charm and winning grin¹ , eased him into favourite in the betting. So far so blehh. But this week the lovable rogue mask slipped and revealed an exposed arse, leaving him looking rather like the Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats from Viz. Vinnie Jones can drink mare's piss

Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

The Wireless

As you would expect for a man of his calibre, Aerial Telly has taken to the medium of radio like Billy Cudrup took to fucking over his pregnant girlfriend - devastatingly, effortlessly and without so much as a "good luck with the labour". He is now a regular feature on Loz Guest's Wednesday night show and tonight will be talking about TV dating shows, in particular Take Me Out and Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. This will take place sometime between 11 and 12. Don't miss this fabulous opportunity to hear the only man your girl comes for. Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

24 Season 8

Fox

I still look forward to a new season of 24. What will those crazy bastards throw at us this time? A slippery careerist by-the-book Director of CTU? Check (Mykelti Williamson as Brian Hastings). Jack and Chloe going rogue following a lead by-the-book Director didn't take seriously? Check. Peace accord reaching President in peril? Check (Anil Kapoor, last seen playing evil quiz show host Prem Kapur in Slumdog Millionaire, as Durkadurkastan President Omar Hassan). Jack tied up and tortured? Check (this time by Herc from The Wire, the Western district way, after an amusing misunderstanding about a murdered cop). CTU may be in New York now but the more things change, the more they stay the same. 24 Season 8

Take Me Out

ITV

It's tempting to dismiss ITV's Saturday night dating show Take Me Out as shallow, cruel and stupid - it doesn't go out of its way to inoculate itself against any of those charges. Similar in concept to the 1990s fright night spectacular Man O Man, a man descends like the Son of Man in a lift to be scrutinised by 30 gorgeous girls who each stand in front of a light. The moment they lose interest in dating a man, the girls switch off their lights, an event accompanied by a space invader sound effect. It's a visual gauge of how badly he's fucking up. It's speed dating...TO THE EXTREME(ly derivative and exploitative). Take Me Out

Celebrity Big Brother 2010 first eviction, second eviction

Channel 4

In Big Brother the woman always gets it first. Sada, Penny, Lynne, Anouska, Vanessa, Mary, Bonnie, Shabnam, Sophia - like those other great feminist martyrs Sylvia Plath, Emmeline Pankhurst and Joss Stone they lined up to face a firing squad of crazy bitches. Their tormentors stood cackling, armed with mobile phones, "FUCK YOU" in their eyes and their eviction numbers on redial. In 10 series of Big Brother not once have the female voters dispatched a man first so it was no surprise when in the final Celebrity Big Brother they first got rid of Katia "Monkeyfucker" Ivanova and then quickly followed her up with Heidi "eyebrow plucker" Fleiss. There's something we forgot to say to you: sisters are doing it to themselves. Celebrity Big Brother 2010 first eviction

Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

The Wireless

Aerial Telly employs three work experience girls who spend their days blocking, rerouting and denying the many requests he receives to appear on this show or that show, cameo in some movie, be arm candy for some starlet's film premiere - it never ends. In an unusual move, he has granted one of those requests to his drinking buddy Loz Guest on his show tonight (Wednesday) on Kerrang Radio 105.2 from 10pm. Tune in and listen, shitmonkeys - you might learn something. Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

E-mail of the weak

From that guy off X Factor

Aerial Telly remains a staunch supporter of X Factor and was thrilled to be contacted by the show's 2004 champion Steve Brookstein who Aerial Telly may possibly have lightheartedly referred to as a cheeseball at some point.

Steve Brookstein to thecoldgun@gmail.com date 12 January 2010 14:31

subject Steve Brookstein

Hi James I stumbled across you website and noticed you slagging me off. Please check out eileenhunter.co.uk she has just signed to JazzFM. I co-write and produced the album which is set for release later this year. I value your opinion as you seem to know so much about everything.

Best wishes

Steve Brookstein

Well...

Aerial Telly responds:

Sounds like that broad can sing, Steve - good for you.

As for you, I'd have gone with those G4 freaks in the 2004 final myself but who listens to me?

Regards

FYI, everybody of consequence listens to Aerial Telly. More mailbag filth